Have you ever had something SO awful happen to you, that you felt like there weren’t enough tears in the entire world to express your heartache? Well, that’s been mine and my husband’s reality over the past couple of weeks.
You see, originally, I was planning to post my very first entry in THIS blog tomorrow – on mine and Danny’s 5th wedding anniversary – and it was going to announce some SUPER special news. However, instead, it is coming a day early – to tell a much different tale.
Honestly, I didn’t want to write this post, but my husband – knowing me as well as he does (even better than I know myself) – knew it would help me to write about it. AND….. As per usual – he was right.
SO….. It is with a very heavy heart that I share this with you. With that being said, there’s no easy way to say this. Today….. I would have been 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant….. But, sadly, I’m not. We went in for an ultrasound last Monday, after having our first one done just a couple weeks before (at which time everything was fine). However, at this one….. THAT was not the case. At THIS one, we went in super excited and continued to be excited, as we saw the baby on the screen – and saw that it was actually starting to look like a baby (unlike the time before, where it just looked like a little jumping jellybean). However, our excitement soon turned to absolute horror….. as we were informed that we had lost the baby almost a week before.
Yep….. 3 things you definitely never want to hear at an ultrasound are: “We couldn’t find a heartbeat,” “there’s no fetal activity” and “it is no longer a viable pregnancy.” If there are any more traumatic terms in the English language, I don’t know what they are. Needless to say, I was in shock. I just froze for a moment – but what seemed like SO much longer – not understanding what was going on, as if it were some cruel joke. I mean, how could we have lost the baby, when it was right there – just moments before – looking like a baby and seeming like everything was normal? I was so confused. And then….. I just started crying – uncontrollably – the likes of which I never had before.
As you can imagine, Danny and I were mortified at that moment – and still are. In fact, to say that we’re absolutely devastated and heartbroken would be the understatement of the century. AND….. The worst part was….. I still hadn’t had a miscarriage or anything, so the baby was still in there – AND everything seemed normal. So, it was actually tricking my body into thinking that I was still pregnant. So, on top of all of the grief and heartache I was feeling at that point, I was still physically feeling awful – like, I was throwing up and could hardly keep anything down. SO….. If we hadn’t have had that ultrasound, we wouldn’t even have known that anything was wrong – and we would be announcing our exciting news on here tomorrow. AND….. As awful as all of THIS is….. I think THAT would have been worse.
So, anyways, yeah….. We were definitely not good at the moment – and then, soon realized that it was only going to get worse, as I ended up having to see a doctor and getting a procedure done THIS past Monday. So, just when we thought it was going to get easier – it got A LOT harder.
SO….. For a few days, including the day of my surgery, I actually thought that if I could try and stay numb, that it would somehow make things easier. Well, I was wrong….. Because as I was trying to stay strong and numb – sitting alone in the patient waiting room (just before they prep you for surgery) – I just broke down. (I’ve got to say, though, that one good thing that’s come out of this whole experience is that we’ve discovered just how AMAZING the Winchester Hospital is – along with their staff – AND it reaffirmed our love of Dr. St. Cyr.) But yeah, as I started crying, a nurse came over and gave me a hug and comforted me – AND even went and got Danny and let him stay with me until right before they moved me to the Operating Room. And let me tell you something – THAT made ALL the difference!
I honestly have no idea what I would have done without Danny these past couple of weeks. He has been so gracious and understanding and just plain amazing. He’s made me talk to him when I needed to, let me stay quiet when I needed to, held my hand, held me and let me just cry whenever I’ve needed to. He’s taken time off of work to be with me through the really hard days. He’s made me smile when I didn’t think there was anything left to smile about. I can’t even truly explain all that he’s done for me, because I feel like nothing I say could ever even come close to doing him justice. He always puts me first and makes sure that I’m okay before ever thinking of himself. In short, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this life.
Needless to say, I am not in a good place right now…..
A good friend of mine recently asked me if I was feeling pretty close to rock bottom – and while I answered yes, I was actually thinking to myself: “Is there something lower than rock bottom?” And then, I remembered the words of my good “Friend,” Rachel Green:
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“I really thought I just hit rock bottom.
But today, it’s like there’s rock bottom…..
50 feet of crap….. then me.”
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SO….. (Random, but you’ll see why I’m bringing it up, as you continue to read)….. My favorite show is “Once Upon A Time” and one of the less pleasant aspects of the show is that at times, some of the evil characters on it actually rip out people’s hearts – which is not actually as gruesome as it may sound, as the show is about fairy tale characters and magic. Therefore, as soon as someone’s heart leaves their body, it actually becomes this glowing, magical heart. But anyways, on to my point….. On the show, when you look at the face of the person who is getting their heart ripped out – at that exact moment – it expresses such excruciating pain. The stuff of nightmares, really. Oddly enough, I always morbidly wondered what it would feel like to have that happen. Well….. Now I don’t have to. I literally feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest – and I don’t think I’m going to be getting it back any time soon.
Another thing about this whole heart abduction on “Once Upon A Time,” is that when someone takes your heart – you’re still alive….. And they can squeeze your heart, causing you untold pain at any time. So, even though your heart is no longer inside of you, you can still feel things – but not good things, only terrible ones. Well, that’s what THIS feels like – like someone’s just walking around, randomly squeezing my heart.
And the worst part is – well, let’s face it, in these kinds of situations, everything is the worst part – so really, ONE of the worst parts, is that I don’t feel like myself. I feel like something’s missing. I’m usually such a happy and bright person, but honestly, all I feel is darkness – like there’s a rain cloud over my soul. I’ve lost my joy.
Random fact (but really not so random)….. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). So, needless to say, I like control. I like having control of things and I like knowing things. And with this….. The “worst part” (because, again, EVERYTHING is the worst part) is NOT knowing….. Not knowing what happened or why it happened. Not knowing why it happened to me. Not getting to know our baby and who they would’ve become. *Insert cries here* (Because I seriously cried while writing THIS particular part – and still do every time I read over it.) Yep….. THAT is the “worst part” – knowing that we’re never going to get to meet them or see them grow. It’s a really strange feeling, in fact – missing something that hasn’t yet come to pass – missing someone that you hadn’t even met yet. Moreover, the “worst part” is that this little thing that was inside of me and a part of me for almost 3 months is just gone. Needless to say, I feel empty. I’m sad and mad and confused, all at once. I mean, how do you say goodbye to someone that you never even really got to say hello to?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not one to complain – especially about life and circumstances – because I love my life and everyone goes through hard times at some point. However, at the moment, I just feel like every bad thing is rushing back to me. I’m just being reminded of it all at once. And while I know that I am unbelievably blessed and I am SO grateful for this life I’ve been given, I really just need to vent about some of the bad stuff right now…..
One of the hardest things is that I feel like my husband and I have had to struggle for everything that we have AND to get to every place that we have gotten to. We had to fight for our relationship while we were dating and engaged, because of family stuff that was going on. So, it’s a miracle in itself that we made it to our wedding and are now married. And then, we had a really difficult time adjusting to marriage, due to some health issues, on my part. And then, it just always seems like there’s something – like, we just never get a break. Things that seem to come SO easily to some people – like, buying a house – have taken us years, and we still haven’t gotten there.
SO….. When we found out that we were pregnant, it was truly a miracle – this beautiful gift that we had been given. Although it seemed like longer, we had actually only been trying to have a baby for a couple of months – so it was actually kind of surprising when we found out that we were already pregnant. We were SO excited! And honestly, up until a couple of weeks ago, I thought that this was going to be OUR time – the ONE time that we were going to get exactly what we wanted, without having to work SO FREAKIN’ hard; without having to struggle and fight with everything that we have. And then….. THIS happened.
Honestly, I am so depressed right now, which is not good, because I actually suffer from depression to begin with – which anyone who knows me would probably be surprised to learn. Seriously, though, I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or be around anyone – it’s just too hard. I feel like I can’t breathe. And I feel like society is always telling you with things like this, that you just need to hurry up and get over it – and as much as I’d like to do just that and forget this ever happened, at the same time….. I don’t want to, because that would mean forgetting that this baby ever happened – and I don’t want to do that.
I’ve actually had people ask me already if we’re going to try again – and I feel like that’s SO insensitive to say right now, because it’s as if you’re saying that this particular baby didn’t matter or that it can just so easily be replaced. It’s like when someone’s pet dies and they just go and get another one – I hate that. You can’t replace living things. I can’t replace this baby – and I wouldn’t want to.
Honestly, I kind of hated being pregnant, because I was really sick for almost the whole time. I couldn’t eat and I felt awful and I was just grumpy all the time. I mean, it’s great for people who have had a lovely experience with pregnancy, but I definitely did not. At least I knew that it was all for something, though – that in the end, it would be worth it, because I would have a baby and be a mommy – and THAT was an encouraging thought. THAT’S what got me through most days. But now, I feel like I never want to try to have a baby or be pregnant ever again – because now, it’s like that was all for nothing. Instead of leading to this happy ending of a baby and a family, it’s led to THIS – the most awful pain I’ve ever felt (and nothing to show for it).
I honestly feel broken.
And I hate it when people try to say things to make it better, but just fail miserably. I know they mean well, but it really doesn’t help things out. Like, when someone tells you that it’s all part of God’s plan. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think God’s plan involves dead babies. I just hate it when people make it sound like God caused this, because they’re trying to wrap it up into a neat little package. The fact is….. God didn’t cause this – but He IS going to use it (it’s just really hard to see how right now). That’s always been my experience, though – that God uses the most awful, painful situations to redeem us in some way. I have had some pretty crappy stuff happen to me in my life and God has always been there for me – and THIS time is no different. He has been right here with us, holding our hands as we’ve gone through everything – and I feel SO grateful for THAT, because we SO couldn’t have done THIS alone.
I SO love the grace of God. And I love that through this difficult time, he’s allowed me to be whoever I’ve needed to be. You see, anyone who knows me, knows that I’m usually someone who’s smiling all the time, but I haven’t been able to be that person right now – and I’ve felt no pressure from God to have to be. I feel like I’ve been able to be sad and cry as much as I’ve needed to and tell him things that I was afraid to say out loud – and never once has He judged me for ANY of it. In fact, I’ve been really angry, but confused as to where to direct that anger – and I feel like He’s even gone so far as to tell me that I could direct it at Him, if I needed to. What kind of love is that? I can’t even comprehend it – but I’m so glad to know it and to have it in my life.
I’m also SO glad that God blessed me with the most AMAZING husband, who SO reflects THAT kind of love. How he has made it through this, I will never know – because I have been an absolute wreck and he has been my rock. What an extraordinary heart he has. How it can be SO strong and yet, so kind and gentle, I will never quite understand.
I will also never understand why our baby was taken from us. And while I know that God didn’t take him/her, I DO know that he/she is with Him now – and honestly, if they can’t be with us, there is nowhere else I would rather them be.
With that being said…..
If I could say one thing to our baby right now, it would be:
“We love YOU and we’ll never forget YOU.”
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P.S. > Danny’s sister reminded us of one of my favorite Bible verses
the other day and I am SO holding tight to it right now:
“’I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord,
‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’”
~ Jeremiah 29:11-13
P.S.P. > I also just keep singing this song…..
“Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
And I will sing till the miracle comes…..”
~ “Even When It Hurts” (Hillsong United)
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