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November 2017

Not Okay, But That’s Okay

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“Grief is a strange thing. It shows up uninvited, comes for all sorts of reasons, and stays longer than we ever expect. No one knows quite how to grieve, but we all have to at some point. For, you see, grief doesn’t leave just because it is ignored. Instead, it lodges in places where it eventually will be acknowledged. BECAUSE….. That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt…..”

Unfortunately, I’m learning this in a very real way these days…..

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SO….. I recently asked God…..

“How in the world am I supposed to help anyone with anything when I feel like I’m just struggling with life right now?”

And no sooner had I asked that question, did he answer:

By being YOU….. Someone who isn’t afraid to talk (or write) about the hard things. The things that other people can’t — or want to, but are afraid and don’t know how to.

SO….. Here goes…..

Have you ever lost something that was really important to you? And I don’t mean, like, your cell phone or something. I mean something truly valuable. Well….. My husband and I lost just about the most precious thing you can possibly lose, this year….. We lost our baby.

At the beginning of this year, we were over the moon, because we found out that we were expecting a baby. However, when I was just about 3 months along, we received the worst news that you can possibly get when you’re pregnant….. I had a miscarriage. We were devastated, to say the very least. And I feel like miscarriage is something that people don’t really talk about that much – although, I must say, I now understand why. It’s difficult enough to have to go through it, so the last thing you want to do is relive it by talking about it after the fact. However, I feel like talking about things (or writing about them) can provide so much healing and perspective and growth.

I feel like it’s in the silence that the devil wins. It’s when he gets you not talking about things – or even, afraid to talk about things – that he gains a foothold in your life.

Random – but not really, because you’ll see why I’m bringing it up as you read on – but has anyone watched the new “Lethal Weapon” T.V. show? I’ve never actually seen the movies, but my husband came across the new series of it a little while ago and I started watching it with him, and just fell in love with it. I was surprised at how much heart it has. Anyways….. At the very beginning of the series, Martin Riggs loses his wife in a car accident. Oh yeah, but did I forget to mention that she was nine months pregnant, at the time? So, he lost his child right along with her. Needless to say….. I balled uncontrollably. Anyways….. I’m bringing this up, because a few episodes in, he has quite a profound conversation with his therapist about how time isn’t making the loss any easier…..

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Riggs: “You know, it’s not getting any easier. Time’s not helping.”

Dr. Cahill: “Why would it?”

Riggs: “Because everybody says that it does.”

Dr. Cahill: “People who say that don’t understand. Time is cruel. It punishes. When we sentence people to time, I don’t know that it makes it any easier.”

Riggs: “Then what am I doing here?”

Dr. Cahill: “You’re looking for a way to make it hurt a little less.”

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Well, that’s what I’m doing here, on this blog, writing this right now. Trying to make it hurt a little less, because time sure isn’t helping. In fact, it may even make it worse. You see, it’s been about 6 months since my miscarriage (and every day is a struggle) and I was 3 months pregnant when it happened. SO….. Today (November 8th) was supposed to be my due date. So, this particular point in time is pretty freakin’ hard. People say it gets a little easier every day, but really, it feels like it actually hurts a little bit more each day. It’s like every day and everything is just a reminder of what we’ve lost.

AND….. One thing that is really frustrating when it comes to this world and the people in it (although, not all people), is that it’s like they put an expiration date on your pain. They assume that after so much time, you should just be over it. Well, that’s not quite how it works. I feel like that would be the equivalent of telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off, and over time it’ll get better.

One thing I absolutely love about God, though, is that (unlike people) He never makes you feel that way. He never puts an expiration date on your pain. He never rushes you to heal or tells you that you just need to find a way to move on. He allows us to feel our pain for as long as we need to. However, He also doesn’t want us to be stuck. He wants us to be free, which is why He helps our hearts to heal (often in surprising ways), but never pressures them to.

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“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

~ John 1:5

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People tend to put pressure on recovery, though. They make you feel like you have to be okay — but the truth is, I’m not okay. In fact, I am so far from okay, it’s not even funny. What I love about God, though, is that He makes us feel as though it’s okay to not be okay. He doesn’t try to “fix” us or give up on us when we’re not okay for too long.

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Have you ever been mad at God, but you don’t want to be, so you pretend like you’re not? Yeah….. Well, a good friend of ours recently helped me realize that that’s what I’ve been doing. He also reminded me that God isn’t so fragile that us being mad at Him is going to hurt His feelings. In fact, He actually likes it when we tell Him that we’re mad at Him – because then, at least we’re being honest with Him. You see, in any real relationship, there needs to be honesty. The fact is, in every relationship, you’re bound to get mad at the other person, at some point – and if it is indeed a genuine relationship, then you have to work through that anger, in order to get to the other side – AND it usually ends up just bringing you closer, in the process. I know that’s what it’s been doing with me and God – now that I’ve finally told Him how I feel. I mean, He already knew — but He needed me to say it out loud.

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“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;

we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

~ C.S. Lewis

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One thing I don’t understand is when people are always saying that God’s in control – and then, something like this happens. However, if He’s in control, then doesn’t that mean that He let it happen? And I realized that was the root of my anger. Why? Why would God let this happen? Well….. That I still don’t know – and, unfortunately, I don’t think I ever will. I don’t know why miscarriage (and things like it) have to happen at all or why it had to happen to us. There are a lot of things I don’t know, but one thing I do know is that God has been with us through it all. I also know that we couldn’t have made it through it without Him. That’s why I felt bad being mad at Him – because, I mean, how crazy is it to be mad at someone who didn’t actually cause your pain, and then has been with you through it all? Plus, He’s given me some pretty extraordinary people to help me through it.

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“This world only loves you when it’s all smiles

And ‘I’m doing fine’

But when your broken heart is on your sleeve

That’s when love leaves you far behind

Well, not every time…..” 

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I feel like when you’re going through a really hard time – a particularly difficult season of life – it’s like you’re stuck in the mud….. and sometimes, you just need someone who is not going to be afraid to reach down into that mud and try and help you out of it. Someone who is going to push past the potential awkwardness and boldly and lovingly enter into your pain and sadness – even if it means getting right into that mud and sitting there beside you, hurting with you – as long as it takes. After all, that’s what Jesus would do – and what He does do. SO….. I’m just SO unbelievably grateful for the people He’s blessed me with who do the same (like my AWESOME husband AND my AMAZING Mom) – especially during this time, as this has honestly been the hardest year of my life….. and I needed that.

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I don’t know about you, but I like knowing things. I just feel like there’s such a beauty and peace in knowing. But maybe with God, it’s about trusting Him enough to have that peace in the unknown….. because that’s faith, right there – never knowing, but always trusting.

The fact is….. There are A LOT of things that I don’t know, but one thing that I do know….. is that God’s got this – and He’s got me. AND….. If that’s all I get to know, then I guess I can be okay with that. BECAUSE….. The Bible tells us that God sees every tear that we cry – and you know what? He cries right along with us…..

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“Here in the shadows

I’ll lift up an offering of praise

What was true in the light

Is still true in the dark

You’re good and You’re kind

And You care for this heart

Oh Lord I believe

That You weep with me

Turn my lament

Into a love song

Transform me

And turn my lament

Into an anthem

I need You now

I need You now…..”

~ “Weep With Me” (Rend Collective)

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“So, I won’t give up

No, I won’t break down

Sooner than it seems life turns around

And I will be strong

Even if it all goes wrong

When I’m standing in the dark, I’ll still believe

Someone’s watching over me…..”

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Living The Dream

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“I Have A Dream…..”

Okay, so I totally stole that from Martin Luther King Jr. – who, of course, had a pretty ambitious dream. I mean, ending segregation – kind of EPIC (to say the very least)! Enough to inspire anyone to dream to make a difference, really. I know it inspires me (to make a difference – in any way that I can)! There’s actually this quote that I love and it says:

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  “Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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In other words, if you’re going to dream…..

Dream BIG!

 

With THAT being said, MY dream is important – and kind of a BIG deal – to me. You see, it has been my biggest dream, for as long as I can remember, to write a book AND get it published. AND….. It’s FINALLY happened!

 

 

“When I was a little girl

I swore that I would change the world when I grew up

Nothing else would be enough

I see it everyday

We settle for safe

And lose ourselves along the way

But if you don’t dream big, what’s the use in dreaming

If you don’t have faith, there’s nothing worth believing

It takes one hope to make the stars worth reaching for

So reach out for something more…..”

(“Dream Big” ~ Emily Shackleton)

 

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“The two most important days in your life

are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

~ Mark Twain

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The thing is, I’ve known for a long time that this is what God wanted me to do with my life – write a book, as it was going to encourage A LOT of people in a BIG way. Little did I know just how much it would encourage me, in the process.

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“Pursue your passion, but do it with a greater Jesus-purpose.

It’s not what you do that matters most, but WHY you do it.”

~ Louie Giglio

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I feel like God has always put words into my heart in a special way. I can’t quite explain it, but I always feel closer to Him when I write – which is why the devil really tries to discourage me when it comes to my writing. I know that now, but I didn’t always. Chances are, the thing you love to do most (and that God has gifted you with), is the thing that the devil is going to attack and discourage the most. He definitely did that with me when it came to this book. That is why it’s SO important to stay focussed on God. Let your passion and your purpose be rooted in Him and let that be your driving force.

And you see, my dream behind the dream of writing a book was to encourage people; to provide them with light in the darkness; and ultimately, point them to Jesus, in the process. All I know is He has changed my life in the most AMAZING ways and I would SO love if everyone had the opportunity to experience that the way that I have. In fact, I feel like it would be selfish of me not to want that for people.

I mean, He put this dream of writing a book into my heart and helped me make it happen — and believe me, it was not easy, but He made it possible. Plus, I feel like SO much of my heart (and soul) went into this book that it’s pretty much me in book form. That’s passion….. That’s “living the dream”….. That is God. He will push you SO far out of your comfort zone — but in the very best way. He’s pretty AWESOME like that! He’ll make your dreams not only attainable, but SO much more fulfilling. I don’t know about YOU, but I want to live every day with that kind of passion — the kind that comes from seeing your dreams become a reality — the kind of passion that only God can provide.

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“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

~ Philippians 4:13

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SO….. Thank you to every single person who reads my book, because (as I said) writing and publishing a book has always been my biggest dream. So, by reading it, YOU are a part of that dream. Therefore, thank you for making my dream come true. Moreover, I encourage YOU to pursue YOUR dreams, because they are only as impossible as you make them out to be. I mean, I thought that my dream was impossible – but look, I’m holding it in my hands (in the picture above). Now, that doesn’t mean that making YOUR dream come true is easy, by any means, but it is indeed VERY possible!

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“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”

~ Walt Disney

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Therefore, I encourage YOU, “little stars,” to…..

 

Dream BIG,

Shine bright

And never forget how AWESOME

YOU

      are…..

OR how AMAZING God is

AND what HE can do through YOU!