“I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are…..
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious…..”
SO….. Unless you live under a rock or something, you probably know about “Bell Let’s Talk Day” (which is dedicated to breaking the silence, as well as ending the stigma, of mental illness) and how it just took place last week (on January 31st). Well, since the whole point of that day is to “start” a conversation about it – let’s talk.
Let’s talk….. about mental illness. Let’s talk….. about anxiety, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), hoarding, depression and anorexia AND what those 5 things have in common – which is that I’ve struggled with all of them for as long as I can remember, and at one point, they even defined me and made me feel ashamed….. but not anymore. Well, okay, if we’re being completely honest….. still a little bit.
If you suffer from mental illness, it’s a part of you, but it doesn’t define you – or, at least, it shouldn’t. It doesn’t make you any less human. In fact, it makes you even more of one. It can be hard to feel that way sometimes, though, when it seems like EVERYONE else has it altogether. But the thing is…..
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we
compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
~ Steven Furtick
(THAT is something I really have to keep in mind these days – and YOU should, too.)
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Sometimes, I find myself thinking, “Really, God? Did you even give me a fighting chance?” And then, I remember who’s been there with me through it all – Him.
And I just want to say….. Even if you don’t believe in God….. He believes in YOU – and He loves YOU – and He’s with YOU through it all. I KNOW – because there is no way I would have survived what I’ve been through, if He wasn’t with me.
SO….. I have a lot of fears. So, I pray about them often. Therefore, I actually pray about the future A LOT – because it terrifies me. The thing I pray the most about when it comes to the future, though, is….. my children – which, after having a miscarriage, is hard to do. I mean, when something like that has already happened, you can’t help but imagine more bad things happening in the future. My most frequent prayer about my future children, though, is that I won’t pass down any of my mental health issues to them – because I already love them SO much that I don’t want them to have to deal with what I have had to.
The fact is, I haven’t had an easy life. I mean, who has – especially when you struggle with mental illness? This year has been especially hard, though. Since my miscarriage back in May, my anxiety and depression have been worse than they have been in a very long time. In fact, I don’t remember things being this bad since back almost 10 years ago, when I had something very traumatic happen to me. I was robbed at knifepoint. That’s when things got really out of hand for me with regards to my mental health. My anxiety, OCD, and hoarding worsened; my depression was triggered; and my anorexia was diagnosed. This past year, though, I’ve had more anxiety attacks than ever before, and have just burst out crying more times than I can even count. Needless to say, it hasn’t been an easy year.
I was actually recently talking to my good friend, Natalie, about all of this stuff – and she’s so wise. She told me something that really made me think AND blessed me SO much. She said that even though dealing with those things has been really hard, they’ve made me who I am today. She also went on to tell me that she feels honored to be so close to me – because I don’t let a lot of people in, but she’s one of them – because, as a result, she has been able to witness what an awful year I’ve had, but at the same time, see how much courage and strength and faith I’ve had through it all. So, even though, of course, I don’t want my kids to ever have to go through hard times in the future, she told me that if they see how I handle them, they’ll know that they can get through those things, too – and live to see better days. (THAT was SO encouraging!)
Then, I got to thinking….. The fact is, most of my mental health issues were passed down to me through my Mom – whether it be by nature or nurture – as she has a lot of the same issues that I do. However, when I think about it, when I was growing up, she probably prayed for me not to have to deal with these things either – but you know what? If having to deal with those same things has made me anything like her, then I’m glad – because if I am even the slightest bit as amazing a woman as she is – as kind-hearted and strong – then it was all worth it.
“If you ask God for a miracle and you don’t get it,
it’s because you’re going to be someone else’s miracle.”
~ Nick Vujicic
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When you struggle with mental illness, it’s really hard to find those people who will accept and value you for YOU – the whole package – every part of you, including your mental illness. Fortunately, I have been blessed with a Mom and a couple of close friends who do just that – and who love, support and encourage me. I mean, it’s hard enough sometimes to be able to love yourself – never mind thinking about finding someone who will love you despite your mental illness. However, God has helped me not only learn to love myself, but He brought me a husband who loves me, not despite my mental illness, but because I’m me. And not only that, but he thinks I’m amazing – and tells me that. He also helps me deal with everything that comes along with my mental illness with a patience, gentleness, and love that I never even could have fathomed someone would. Most importantly, though, he loves me for who I am – not who I could be OR who I might be one day, but for who I am right now. He loves me right where I’m at.
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Anyone who knows me would probably be really surprised to know that I struggle with the mental health issues that I do, because one thing a lot of people say to me is that I always have a smile on my face, and I always seem happy. Well, there’s a reason for that. Of course, I’m not always happy – no one is. However, I DO always have a joy in my heart – that God puts there – because I know that although bad things happen, so do good things. And even though at times, it can feel like only bad things happen to me, the fact is, SO many more good things have happened. Bad things may have happened in my past, but so did good – and bad things will happen in my future….. but so will good. The thing is, no matter what happens, God is with me through it and He’s going to use it – either to help me OR someone else entirely. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck sometimes….. but it doesn’t mean there isn’t hope.
“Darkness never wins.
It only fools you into thinking it does.”
~ Prince Charming (Once Upon A Time)
So, I’ll admit it – sometimes when I’m smiling, I’m just being brave, trying to get through another day. But oftentimes, it’s simply because I’m grateful for this life I’ve been given – no matter how messy or chaotic or just downright difficult it may sometimes be – because, most of the time….. it’s really quite beautiful.
“I don’t know why bad things happen to good people,
but I have to believe that strength and something beautiful will come from this pain.”
(My friend, Sara, recently reminded me of this quote from the movie “Soul Surfer.”)
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So, no matter what you’re going through right now – whether it’s mental illness or something else entirely – I want YOU to know that there is a God who loves YOU and who is right there beside YOU through it all. He’ll get you through this AND make you even stronger, in the process. It may not feel like it right now, but take it from someone who has been there – and who is still there. God’s got THIS – and even more importantly….. He’s got YOU.
SO….. Be YOU – and be proud of who that is – NOT ashamed.
“No one ever made a difference by being like everyone else.”
And ALWAYS remember….. YOU are NOT alone!
“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies
THIS IS ME…..”
(“This Is Me” ~ The Greatest Showman)
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